What Would Love Do?
While, I am a big fan of romantic love, being fortunate to be well loved in my life by both lovers and wives (I hasten to add, not at the same time) that is not the subject of this blog. No, I want to examine with you the concept of love itself.
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that I have very mixed feelings about Saul of Tarsus, the man we call Saint Paul, the man who virtually invented what we know as Christianity - writing 58% of what we call the New Testament.
Paul poses problems for 21st Century Christians with his low opinion of women, his institutionalization of the submission of women and his strictures against women clergy in First Corinthians 12. His attitude toward women is strange when you realize that he had a female disciple by the name of Tecla, who preached all over Asia Minor and wrote 3 very popular books, best sellers in their time, which did not make it into the New Testament - can't have a woman Apostle, now can we!
But when it comes to love, as we say in the US, he "nailed it". He was "spot on" with his treatise on love in First Corinthians 13. I will paraphrase from the Aramaic translation of the Bible, directly from the original Greek.
"Though I have faith that could move mountains and have not love in my heart, I am nothing. Though I give all my goods to the poor and have not love in my heart, I am nothing.
Love is long suffering and kind, love does not envy; does not boast. Love does not behave in an unseemly manner, seeks not its own pleasure, is not easily provoked and thinks no evil. Love rejoices not in lies but rather rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.
Love never fails, is forever - but prophesy, tongues, and knowledge shall all pass away. Of Faith, Hope and Love... of these love is the greatest".
These are words that should be in every marriage ceremony all across the globe. Whether the bride and groom are Christian or Buddhist, this description of love is one every bride and groom needs to understand. We have a 50% divorce rate of first marriages in the US and I believe it is because we confuse lust with love, Eros with agape. Eros is the state of "falling in love", in which our minds and eyes are clouded with the rosy pink fog of infatuation, liberally spiced with erotic heat.
Oh, don't misunderstand, I enjoy Eros as much as the next man, its necessary to get man and woman together for procreation and recreation but it is not enough on which to build a life together. If one had to choose between a fine friendship with mutual respect and a modicum of attraction or a relationship with the red hot flash of chemical attraction but little shared interests or mutual respect; which do you think would pass the test of time? Heat is wonderful, its fun, it is so seductive, but life cannot and should not be spent in bed!
After a few months, the novelty wears off and the prospect of the years stretching to old age with a very attractive but otherwise unsuitable partner begin to raise serious doubts about our decision to wed. At the first major crisis things may begin to unravel. Being a veteran of more than one marriage based on Eros and short on agape, I know whereof I speak.
One begins to long for a good conversation with the give and take of true friends. One begins to wonder how to change the husband or wife but we can never really change anyone but ourselves, can we? Even if life is good in the bedroom, we soon become lonely for real companionship which is really the greatest gift that marriage has to bring to us.
Here is the truth about love. Real love is not about sex, money or status. Love is about a common bond, a mutual liking and respect, bedrock trust of the loved one and a shared view of life. Real love is 80% friendship and companionship and 20%, if you are lucky, heat and chemistry and that is as it should be.
At the last moment of your life, you are not thinking of the good sex you shared when you look in your love's eyes and hold their hand. You are reliving the great adventures shared, the wonderful conversations, even the good arguments; the crises weathered together, the touch of a hand, the kiss on the cheek, the knowledge that someone dear really loves us just for who we are, not for what we can do for them or give them.
Love is about the loved one, not about us. Our loved ones do not exist to fulfill our needs or to make us "happy". Happiness has always been an inside job. We must never be dependent on our loved ones emotionally. We must be complete people, whole and happy with or without the company of our love. A good marriage is interdependent, each giving something unique and special to the one loved and seeking nothing in return. A true love never keeps books, doesn't count debits and credits and is always quick to forgive and slow to take offense.
Never play the role of the dominator or abuser for that is to undermine the entire foundation of love. Real love never hurts, it supports and improves us. Real love makes us better people; more fulfilled people.
Take time this February 14th, or whenever you think of love to see how your relationship stacks up to the definition that Paul and I share. Love is the very definition of God. Practice Godliness with your husband or wife.
Rev.Dore' Jacques Patlian

